Drive by posting
Mar. 5th, 2020 07:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
freixenetThis has been a trying time, but I think I'm coming out of it. Today in meditation I saw exactly how different I am from a year ago...and how dark that has been in contrast to where I was six years ago. The last few years have been....yes, trying.
Depression sucks and is a liar. I have always known this but the last year or two, when the Black Dog has basically moved in with me, I've felt inadequate, less than, worse off, missing something, unlit. I know that isn't reality, but it's hard to own that knowledge. Depression keeps taunting me.
So, I have a five year plan. I started thinking about where I really want to be in five years, when I can retire, and when most of the day to day of my life will change dramatically. I need to have already created a life I won't need to escape from at the end of the day.
Back to dance, three weeks ago, in a private lesson format that has already reminded me of joy. I haven't lost much in five years, and this gives me enormous pleasure. In another year, back to social dancing with my dance family. A year after that, moving into a business relationship with my dance teacher or in some way using her studio to promote pilates, yoga, and meditation.
Drawing down a long-term project on campus, letting it go from active monitoring to distant observing. My goal next year: avoid taking on anything dramatically new or different from my drawing down mode. I need to leave in five years knowing that my major projects are done and in someone else's hands.
Physically, now that I'm back on the dance floor, I can start using that as stress relief rather than wine. I'll feel better when my survival habits are less necessary and my habits of thriving are back in place. Can't have both operating in full force at the same time.
Long term planning. I could complain about myself not setting this up more concretely and much earlier but then I'd be listening to my depression, which (see above) lies. Small steps to recreate my life, after losing much of it to cancer and back surgery. Steps toward my happier future.
I intend to keep this going. I will walk toward 62 and I will be happier than ever when I get there.
Depression sucks and is a liar. I have always known this but the last year or two, when the Black Dog has basically moved in with me, I've felt inadequate, less than, worse off, missing something, unlit. I know that isn't reality, but it's hard to own that knowledge. Depression keeps taunting me.
So, I have a five year plan. I started thinking about where I really want to be in five years, when I can retire, and when most of the day to day of my life will change dramatically. I need to have already created a life I won't need to escape from at the end of the day.
Back to dance, three weeks ago, in a private lesson format that has already reminded me of joy. I haven't lost much in five years, and this gives me enormous pleasure. In another year, back to social dancing with my dance family. A year after that, moving into a business relationship with my dance teacher or in some way using her studio to promote pilates, yoga, and meditation.
Drawing down a long-term project on campus, letting it go from active monitoring to distant observing. My goal next year: avoid taking on anything dramatically new or different from my drawing down mode. I need to leave in five years knowing that my major projects are done and in someone else's hands.
Physically, now that I'm back on the dance floor, I can start using that as stress relief rather than wine. I'll feel better when my survival habits are less necessary and my habits of thriving are back in place. Can't have both operating in full force at the same time.
Long term planning. I could complain about myself not setting this up more concretely and much earlier but then I'd be listening to my depression, which (see above) lies. Small steps to recreate my life, after losing much of it to cancer and back surgery. Steps toward my happier future.
I intend to keep this going. I will walk toward 62 and I will be happier than ever when I get there.
