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Just gotta own it
Apr. 19th, 2018 11:13 amI just hit "send" on an email with four attachments that went to 60 people and my sort-of supervisor, without asking her whether I could.
And in doing so I have taken a step I can't untake. I guess this is how the future gets written--when the path is unclear, you just do the "one foot in front of the other" thing because that IS the path.
It's good work. (My goddam mantra lately.) And it needs to be done. (Also my mantra.) I am not sure I am the one to be doing it, but at the moment I seem to be the one best positioned to send that email. Like, better me (because I think I may garner more respect on campus at the moment than my sort-of supervisor) than her (because for better or worse, she represents administration that has of late made this group of 60 people pretty damned unhappy).
It's public work. That sort of thing makes me nervous. I am steadfast that I am doing this only to represent to the administration what the faculty want, and what I have proposed in these documents is a direct reflection of what faculty have told me. This isn't my plan. So there is no harm, no personal engagement to working so publicly. But I am reluctant to be so visible. Man, am I reluctant.
The other day, my sort-of supervisor said to me, in administrator-speak, that I had done very good work in drawing attention from outside the campus but less good work at ensuring internal visibility. I cringed inside when she said that. I don't WANT to be that visible. I'm happy doing what I'm doing, thanks.
So now I have questions of autonomy, of purpose. Why am I unwilling to be front and center? (Partly because my sort-of supervisor would then be my actual supervisor.) Why do I prefer working quietly and under the radar? Where do I really want to go with this, and why have I allowed myself to be manipulated into owning this?
Because I was manipulated. Not with any malicious intent, I'm sure, and yet...for the last year, I've fought a quiet battle with upper admins about what I thought should happen and what they wanted me to do, and each time there's been a new front in the battle, they come up with some stupid damn idea that will derail their own goals, and I end up having to argue against their ideas. And each time that happens, I sink deeper into the sands.
So eager to retire. So, so ready.
And in doing so I have taken a step I can't untake. I guess this is how the future gets written--when the path is unclear, you just do the "one foot in front of the other" thing because that IS the path.
It's good work. (My goddam mantra lately.) And it needs to be done. (Also my mantra.) I am not sure I am the one to be doing it, but at the moment I seem to be the one best positioned to send that email. Like, better me (because I think I may garner more respect on campus at the moment than my sort-of supervisor) than her (because for better or worse, she represents administration that has of late made this group of 60 people pretty damned unhappy).
It's public work. That sort of thing makes me nervous. I am steadfast that I am doing this only to represent to the administration what the faculty want, and what I have proposed in these documents is a direct reflection of what faculty have told me. This isn't my plan. So there is no harm, no personal engagement to working so publicly. But I am reluctant to be so visible. Man, am I reluctant.
The other day, my sort-of supervisor said to me, in administrator-speak, that I had done very good work in drawing attention from outside the campus but less good work at ensuring internal visibility. I cringed inside when she said that. I don't WANT to be that visible. I'm happy doing what I'm doing, thanks.
So now I have questions of autonomy, of purpose. Why am I unwilling to be front and center? (Partly because my sort-of supervisor would then be my actual supervisor.) Why do I prefer working quietly and under the radar? Where do I really want to go with this, and why have I allowed myself to be manipulated into owning this?
Because I was manipulated. Not with any malicious intent, I'm sure, and yet...for the last year, I've fought a quiet battle with upper admins about what I thought should happen and what they wanted me to do, and each time there's been a new front in the battle, they come up with some stupid damn idea that will derail their own goals, and I end up having to argue against their ideas. And each time that happens, I sink deeper into the sands.
So eager to retire. So, so ready.
