Chin ups

[freixenet]

I had another of my six month checkups at my oncologist's office yesterday, and I had to fess up to the depression. This immediately triggered a lengthy series of questions from the intake people, which were followed by even more questions from the PA I was seeing yesterday. This is all good, I'm not complaining. I'm glad they have these screening procedures.

The PA was more or less useless, which again is fine (chirpily suggesting yoga for my worsening depression...saying that running helps her get out of bad moods...). She's not supposed to be a therapist. But one of the questions on her form was "when was the last time you felt really happy?" And I had no answer.

That shocked me right there. I can't remember the last time I was HAPPY? That's not good.

But then I remembered. The last time I remember being really happy was right before my back surgery five years ago. When I was still a dancer. By the time I'd recovered enough from the surgery to return to the floor, D had found other things to put his time into, and although we ventured out a few times together and although I went to a few classes by myself, we never really went back. I've been grieving ever since.

Ugh. Well, now I have an answer to the question.

Comments

[alhbooks]

Ouch...but awareness seems like a good thing, if a bit painful....

Hugs in any case.

[freixenet]

Hugs back, and thanks. It is always better to know than to not know. But yes, painful to process and come to grips with!

[roguedemon]

((Hugs)) Processing loss is very painful — I think it can sometimes be harder to grieve things that you felt made you who are are than it is actual people, because it’s more complex.